Relief Society Motto

As a woman, and member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka LDS or Mormon) I am also a member of the Relief Society. Founded in 1812 by Emma Smith (the prophet's wife) to help out all those in need and to better themselves in the process. This year I thought perhaps I would strive harder to live up to the relief society motto. Here it is below. I will also put it up on the side so I always have it to look at and remind me of the woman I am striving to be.

We are beloved spirit daughters of God

and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.

As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion

to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar.

We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

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Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ

through prayer and scripture study.

~

Seek spiritual strength by following the

promptings of the Holy Ghost.

~

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening

marriages, families, and homes.

~

Find nobility in motherhood

and joy in womanhood.

~

Delight in service and good works.

~

Love life and learning.

~

Stand for truth and rightousness.

~

Sustain the priesthood

as the authority of God on earth.

~

Rejoice in the blessings of the temple,

understand our divine destiny,

and strive for exaltation.

Fishy

So I've tried to be so careful with our little fishtank. We got it before was born so Ryan could have his ideal pet...fish, yeah I like things a little fuzzier. Anyway, when Jaden got to where he could move I didn't feel the fish tank was safe in our living room anymore so we put it in our bedroom up on the dresser where Jaden can't get to it. The problem with this is that when the water gets low the filter sounds like a waterfall and for some reason gives me bad dreams at night. (The wind blowing outside does the same thing). So Ryan tries to keep it filled.

Well, the other night I was dreaming about filling the fishtank with water and being careful not to disturb the sugar cookies at the bottom of the tank (you did get that this was a dream right?) I woke up and sure enough it sounded like a waterfall.

"Didn't you just fill that up?" I asked Ryan, not really caring if he was awake.

"It's just the fishtank....wait...yeah I did."

We got up and found that the filter had clogged. (Pluto our scum sucker had been doing such a good job keeping the tank clean we didn't notice.) The water was backing up over the top and onto the cord and running down the cord dripping onto the dresser.

Fortunately we did have a towel under the tank.....unfortunately a full gallon of water had dripped out before I woke up. Our floor is still wet.

Needless to say, the next day Ryan went and got a new filter and moved things around a bit so that it won't happen again. Just thought I'd share that random story with you. You can now get back to your lives. ;)

P.S. Fishtank picture is an old one. We no longer have that many fish.

Better Than I Thought!

So when I first found this photoshop talent site I was amazed at what people could do. I was timid to sign up thinking myself so far below them, but i saw a few entries where I thought "hey I could do that" I expected to get close to last on all my competitions, but surprisingly I've done much better than that and usually place somewhere in the middle. My pixie trap for the street light competition took 3rd place! I'm so excited. I'm not sure I deserve it, as I look at the other entries, but I'm happy none the less. Now I have some prestige on the site. I'm a level 5 on talent which means I can enter higher contests and I have vote weight. Yay!

In other news Ryan broke down and got me a new camera. It comes today and I can't wait to play with it! Woo hoo!

My Worst Critic

I've gotten a bit involved in this Photoshop Talent Site. I'm learning so much and really enjoying learning new tricks and techniques, as well as expressing a bit of my creative side.

Most people will say that they are their own worst critic. I will tell you that Ryan is my worst critic. Hard to believe you say? Well I assure you it is true! He's not mean about it, but he will tell me what is wrong in any picture I do. Be it shadow, perspective, lighting, or "you're elephant doesn't look wet enough." Although this is slightly irksome, it's still a good thing, the things I can fix I will fix, and the things I can't...or it would take WAY too much effort to fix I just won't. When I submit it to competition, I must be ready for the critiques from my photoshop peers...by peers I mean people that are WAY better than me. After all,they ARE judging me, hence the whole competition thing.

Just in case you're wondering, there are prizes to these competitions. Money for 1st second and thrid, OR a great editing program or plug-in for adobe. As cool as it would be to win, it's hightly unlikely, but that's okay I'm just doing it to hone my skills. Why? I don't know, it's really a pointless hobby for me, but aren't most hobbys? I was quite impressed with myself though when my very first entry won 9th place out of 53 entries!

Check back to where I posted my entries and I will post the place I scored when that competition is over.

Too Hard On Ourselves

Our lesson in church yesterday was interpretedly on women being too hard on themselves. This felt extremely true and applicable. Once we become teenagers it's as if everyone's opinion matters except for those that truely like us the way we are. Sure, this can be blamed on hormones, or teenage fashion and whatnot, and it lessons a bit once we get married and have no one to please but our husbands. . .

But then, we enter the most elite club of women that have ever existed and we are suddenly and immediately suppose to be perfect in every single way. Mothers! We still have to physically perfect ourselves: make-up, hair, clothes, in shape; but now our children also have to look perfectly, and behave perfectly, and our husbands have to look perfectly and behave perfectly, and our houses have to be clean and decorated cute, and our lawns have to be green and have beautiful flowers, and our garden has to grow the best veggies around, and we have to cook like a chef but nothing but wholesome yet tastey meals, our crafts are all handmade, and our clothes all hand sewn. If we lack in any of these catagories, (or like me, all of the above) it is a direct indication of how good of a mother/wife we are.

This is so unfair. Women really do put this kind of pressure on eachother, and then to themselves. I am quite satisfied by accomplishing what I can, how I can, but even I can fall into a pit of self-pity looking at how much better other women are than me.

Example: My sister-in-law, has the amazing talent of decorating. Her home is always so cute and clean and perfect. My home has Jaden's toys scattered everywhere and is a modge podge of whatever random decorations we happen to have, very little planned out. I just don't have an eye for it. I appreciate this talent in her and am glad she has it, but at times I do find myself judging my humble abode to her cute decorated home.

And yet I've learned through life that pretty much anyone you're jelous of is in some way jelous of you as well. Like right now my sister-in-law is probably jelous that my baby sleeps through the night. =o)

Which brings me to another point. Many babies were born in our ward about the same time as Jaden. Because of this it's easy to compare milestones in their development. Right now Jaden is sitting, crawling, and standing (holding on to the couch or anything he can get his hands on). Most of the other babies his age are just starting to sit. I feel a bit of pride at this achievement, but why? It's not like I had anything to do with it. On the other hand, on of the ladies' baby, who was born premature, so is a couple months older than Jaden even though they were due at the same time, is still just just happy to lay on the floor in one place. She has expressed that she feels bad that her baby is so far behind. Why again? It's not her fault. And her baby is healthy and happy. By the way her baby is also sooo cute with is full head of red hair! I've heard of one-upping one another on child development but I never thought it would happen to me. Funny how we naturally take pride or shame in things we have no control over whatsoever.

Anyhow, those are just some thoughts I had on the matter. Mostly I'm happy with who I am. and what I have. I hope you other women are also. We are unique. We raise our families differently, we have different strengths and weaknesses, but we are women, we are strong and we are beautiful. Every one of us. Don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise. Perfection is not a goal any more than a reality, just try to be the best you you can be.

Hobbies

I got my first assignment back from my professor. She did a great job not only editing and critiquing, but she also gave me some reading material for examples of what I need to work on. I love it! I understand what she means entirely! I went back and changed the entire ending of my story. This class is going to be great for me I can tell. On to my next assignment. This one has more of a word limit. I like that. I have a hard time getting any character development across along with the plot in just 500 words. I think I'll get better at it as I go along.

Awhile back I signed up for a forum of moms on photography. This has really peaked my interest and I would like to persue this as a hobby, no not to make money, I can only handle one unlikely business at a time and I've already spent $700 on my writing class. But, I do have an adorable subject to take pictures of and I think it's a lot of fun to edit them, so that's my new fun thing. I do need a better camera, but that will have to wait. In the meantime I'll keep playing with editing tricks.

And that's what I'm up to!

Blockade!

I try to give Jaden the safest, largest run of the house area. With the doors closed, the stairs and kitchen blocked off, he has the entire front room and hall to explore and play in. There is one unprotected place he is not allowed, but the computer.

Yet, This is where he wants to be. I can't blame him really, he comes over here because this is where I am and then he sees all the fun cords he can grab and put in his mouth. Ooo fun! I smack his hand and tell him "no!" then move him away again, but then his happy go lucky exploring mood is spoiled and he comes right back over to the cords crying the whole time.

I needed a better system. So I set up his car seat as a blockade. This worked for a bit, then he figured out he could crawl under the swing and get to me that way. I tried to deter him from this route, but then he figured out how to stand and with that abilitiy could essentially climb and crawl over the seat.

So yesterday I got a blanket and rigged it up blocking my little area at the computer. This worked for awhile. He was very distraught to find that even his no fail route under the swing was blocked, but then he realized if he stood up by the couch he could reach over and pull the whole thing down. You would think I could out engineer a 7 1/2 month old. But in my defense his learning curve is much higher than mine. So this morning I wracked my brain trying to figure out a way to safely keep him away from the computer but I kept coming up empty handed.

Today I got out the port-a-crib for him to play in while I showered. I don't want him to play in it all the time. I think the little guy has a right to explore the house as long as it's safe, so I put him back on the floor and to the computer he went. Out of sheer frustration I pulled the port-a-crib over and used it as blockade with the blanket still blocking the under swing area. Success! At least thus far. He tries, then cries for a bit then plays for a bit then tries again and so on and so forth. It's easier than pulling him away every few seconds. So now I have a giganormous eye sore of a blockade that Ryan is not going to be impressed with as it takes up half our living room and you have to jump the couch to to get the computer, but I win this time! Jaden 106 Me 1 Yay!

Sleep Walking

So the wierdest thing happened last night. Let me back up just a bit, sometimes when Jaden is sleeping at night he does this thing where he gets up on all fours then collapses, then does it again and again. He never wakes up. I think it's sleepwalking.

Well last night I heard him doing this so went in to check on him, but then he started screaming, so I picked him up to calm him down, but he continued to scream. I could tell he wasn't awake. This went on for quite awhile so Ryan came in to see what was going on. Jaden doesn't usually scream none stop, and he never has before at night. He never even tried to put his thumb in his mouth like he always does when he is distressed. Whether in our arms or in his crib he moved around like he usually did when he cried, but never woke up.

Ryan turned on the light and tried to get him to wake up with no more luck than I had. Though he was still screaming Ryan put him back in the crib and wrapped him up. We watched him cry and squirm for awhile longer then finally he opened his eyes and sat up and just looked at us like "what's up guys?" We wrapped him back in his blanket and in five minutes he was back asleep and we had no other problems that night.

So what's up with the sleepwalking night terrors? Is this normal in babies? I don't like it. I think it's creepy and I feel bad that I can't comfort him when he's scared. Ryan said that he had a few sleep walking incidents when he was younger but hadn't had any since.

If your baby has done this or know of one that has please let me know. I'm curious to know if this is normal or something I should be worried about.

Write On!

I've started my writing class and so far have found it quite easy. I take an hour each morning to write before Jaden gets up. The writing part was easy, but now I'm to the hard part. Cutting. My first short story is suppose to be between 500 and 750 words. You would think that gap would make it easy, but after cutting the fluff I'm at 820 words. Eh! I'm good at adding, became a pro in highschool for paddding papers, but omitting pieces of my story hurts! I suppose that's why when you get good you get an editor to do it for you. I'm attatched to every piece. I'm to the point where I may just delete a whole character to thin it out a little, and I'm not even sure that will be enough. Sheesh.

I suppose I should get used to this. If I plan to submit short stories for children's magazines I will have to keep my story to a very strict word count. And I really hope to get to the point where I can do exactly that.

Working Together

There's a lot of reasons a marriage doesn't work, but I think there are a lot more reasons why a marriage does work. One of the things that I enjoy is that we often do the daily chores together. Such as: Cooking dinner, doing the dishes, & putting the dishes away. We do the housework together also, though not as much as we used to. When I was working we split it up, but now that I'm home all day I clean the living room, kitchen, dishes, sweep, mop,vacuum, and feed the rabbit every day.

I also do laundry 3 times a week. I know, a lot huh? With Jaden's clothes, blankets, bibs, burp rags, towels, & washclothes he makes quite a lot of laundry all by himself! So I do his laundry twice a week and ours once a week....anyway, Ryan doesn't really touch the laundry. Too many clothes with specific directions. Hand wash, wash but don't dry, hang dry, lay flat to dry, and then Jaden's stuff takes quite a bit of finesse to get those stains out.

That was a little off topic, sorry I just hate laundry, it seems to be the bane of my existince and is never ending. But back to working together... Ryan cleans the bathroom on the weekends so he still helps out with the housework that way too.

We fell into this routine quite naturally. Not really a surprise. My parents often do many chores together as well, and watching Ryan's parents I can see that they do as well. This has been a great benefit to our marriage. Had Ryan decided that it was the woman's job to cook and clean we would have been in trouble long ago. Being home while he's at work I do take on more cleaning responsability as well as taking care of Jaden, but Ryan still doesn't expect me to do it all on my own and is never upset if cleaning takes the back burner to something else that came up suddenly.

I'm so glad for his help and patience. Not just splitting up housework, but doing it together makes it far more enjoyable...or at least bareable. Just a thought from the happy homemaker battling laundry today.

Blackfoot a Haven?

As I mentioned in my other blog, we went home to Blackfoot for the weekend. The wide open spaces on the road once we pass into Idaho is a breath of fresh air...literally! No smog, no traffic, no road construction, no roadside barriers with semi-trucks on the other side to give you claustriphobia. A physical as well as emotional relief comes from traveling back to our home town.

As if just getting out of the city wasn't enough, we have so much family there. Ryan's parents, 3 brothers with their families, and sister with her family are all there. My parents, brother, and grandparents are there. And we both have many aunts and cousins there as well. Some people may not feel the pull of their roots, but Ryan and I do. We need to be with our families we need to spend time with them and feel their love and support of us. Plus their just fun to be around. Gotta love family game nights.

We must not be the only ones who feel this way about Blackfoot because we have quite a few friends still around as well. We had so much fun playing games with my best friends Sara and Josh and their Husband and wife.......did you fallow that? These are only a few of the friends we still have there. Granted some are moving, like to Montana or here to Utah, but we still have some that have decided to settle there. I have such a social personality that being with my old friends is also a great renewal for me.

We hope to move back to Blackfoot someday, but till then we'll just have to make due with renewal trips. If we didn't get a chance to see you this time maybe next time!

New and Improved

I get so excited about trying something new. Whether it's just a new computer game or something more substantial such as taking a class to write children and teen literature. I'm hoping the newness of that doesn't wear off too soon. I need the rush and momentum to carry me through the class. I hope to finish in one year rather than the two years allotted.

I have a friend that is getting ready to try her hand at photography. It's not even me and I'm still really excited. Maybe cause I'll get more pictures out of the deal. I love pictures!!! Plus I get to hone in on my adobe skills so I can teach her some fun editing stuff. I love playing in adobe but don't always have much reason to so I jump at the chance.

Even when I figured out how to do my own background and headers for this blog I got so excited that I had a difficult time sleeping. I just wanted to get back on the computer and try it some more!

In a life that is pretty much the same every day it's these new things that give me a spark! Or I may just be crazy.

I think it's good to try new things every now and again. We have so many options in this world. So many things to try. Go out and learn something new! If you've wanted to try gourmet cheeses go get you some cheese. If you want to have a venus fly trap as a pet, go get you that plant. If you've wanted to learn how to yodel, go yodel my friend! Anyone know how you learn to yodel? I would like to try that one myself.

Another spark in my life. Going home to Blackfoot this weekend! Yay! I'll see you there! Learn how to yodel so you can teach me!

Time Flies

I think time is very fickle. In theory it is the same. 60 sec. in a min., 60 min. in an hour, 24 hours in a day, 28/30/31 days in a month, 12 months in a year. But I have never felt like time is that consistent. When I was younger a day was 40 hours, a month 200 days and a year.......eternity. Now it seems as if a day is 5 hours, a month 12 days, and year 5 months. What has changed? Has time changed?

When I was pregnant with Jaden those months dragged on and on time growing slower and slower the closer I got to my due date. Today Jaden is 7 months old. 7 months! Where did that time go? Surely my baby has not been out in is world almost as long as he was inside my belly?

On that note...surely we have not nearly been married as long as we were in high school. surely Ryan isn't coming up on his 10 year high school reunion in just a couple years! What happened? Who sped up the galactic watch only to slow it down at the most inoportune moments?

I'm amazed at the changes my baby has already made. In the past 5 months he has changed so much that his newborn pictures look like a completely different baby than what I have now. And yet I have changed so little since I was 16! Okay sure, my hips are a little wider, my stomach a little poochier, my thighs a little thicker, my hair a little longer, my boobs a whole lot bigger...not an improvement in my book, but Ryan seems happy with my changes. But to look at me then and to look at me now one may think only a couple of years had passed. Not 8!

So does time go slow when we grow so fast then slow down when we stop growing? Then is time not really standard for all but relative to age, position in life, activity at the moment? I think so! Take that mathmaticians and figure it out! Time is more relative than we ever thought!

I'm just grateful for the time I have. No matter how relative one thing is certain, in this life time is finite. I wish I wasn't so wasteful with my time. I'd like to say I am going to change and become more productive with my time, but that isn't true. All I can say is that I am grateful for my time. Fast or slow I'm having the time of my life!

Digit Detail

When Jaden is in a good mood and just playing on the floor he'll take the time to examine his fingers or toes. He moves them slowly watching what they do or he carefully tries to pick something up out of carpet. He's almost got the thumb working to pick up any piece of string or lint that has managed to escape the vacuum. He also is already using his toes to shift his balance as he stands by the couch. Those fingers and toes are truly beautiful in function as well as design.

I think we take advantage of our undernoticed digits. Such as the way my fingers are typing away right now, or when you peel a banana, or balance on one foot. What a remarkable thing it is to have fingers and toes.

I love to look at the world through my baby's eyes. If we learned to appreciate things like babies do we would realize how truly blessed we are just to be who we are and have what we have.

Gentler Touch

Watching Ryan with our baby, it won't take long to see that he is rough and tumble parent. Ryan loves to throw Jaden up in the air and tickle him and hold his hands while he tries to walk. He usually leaves the more gentle parenting to me. The cooing and singling and snuggling and making the boo boos betther.

Well yesterday, Ryan worked all day then had class at night. During that brief 30-45 min. at home Jaden was being a little terror. He cried and shouted and didn't want me to hold him but didn't want to be on the floor. I knew he was just overtired so I put him in his crib to cry himself to sleep. Ryan usually tries to avoid the baby as much as possible during these screaming tirades. I can't blame him, it's very loud and headache produsing. But this time Ryan went in and gently lifted the crying baby out of his crib to hold him and cuddle him and rock him for just a minute before going to class. Jaden stopped crying at his father's attention though quickly resumed it when he tried to put him down on the floor to play. Jaden was returned to his crib and promptly fell asleep.

I'm glad that Jaden loves to play with his daddy, but I also love these more gentle moments of calm and quiet when the love in the room can be felt with all of your soul. I love it when Ryan tells Jaden how cute he is, Ryan usually affectionately calls him stinky, but it's nice to know he sees our son the same way I do. As the cutest little thing we've ever seen.

I don't expect Ryan to be overly sensative with me and Jaden, he's much better at playful love. I enjoy this as does Jaden, but it's nice to know this strong assertive man also has a very gentle side as well.

(The picture above with Ryan and Jaden is an old one but it's my favorite daddy baby picture so I put it there.)

Sweet Sweet Baby

I'm really very excited to get to go see my brother's brand new baby today. Brooklyn was born yesterday and is my first niece on my side of the family. I'm reminded of my own stay in the hospital with Jaden. That first night was so tiring and yet I'm not sure I've ever felt happier. Sometimes during that night he would fuss just a little and I would tell him everything was all right and he would settle right down.

I find it difficult to believe that a woman could ever not believe in a god of somesort once she's had a baby. To create a baby inside of you is a miracle in itself, but once they are free of you they are already independent in so many ways. A little of you, a little of your spouse, yet entirely their own person with their own personality. I may be able to create a body, but I cannot create a spirit, a soul. This little person was some one before I came along. He has always existed, maybe just watching and waiting for me.

Having a baby is a very humbling experience. Partially because any sence of privacy in matters to your body are all gone, but more importantly it is humbling because God has trusted one of his sweet special souls to my care. Me. Who am I to recieve such a gift from heaven? I'm still not sure of that answer, and I may never be the greatest mom, but the one thing I am certain of is that my baby, my children will always be loved and know they are loved.

I also know this is true of little Brooklyn. Brand new from heaven to the arms of loving parents. She will also always be loved and know she is loved.

Welcome to world Brooklyn. And all you sweet sweet babies.

To Sleep per Chance to Dream

Dreams are funny things. If I dream in the morning right before I wake up I can usually remember the dream for at least a short while. Last night I had a weird one about Jessica sitting in a hospital waiting room, waiting to be put in a room so she could have her baby. (by the way I just found out she DID have her baby! She was in the hospital as I was dreaming about it! More on that another time.) But the dream ended up including a booby trapped haunted looking house, a realestate agent, a poisened egg, and an apple smoothie. What does it mean? Probably that I read too many fantasy novels. Due to the random nature of my dreams I am more apt to believe that they are random images the brain tries to piece together to make sense of it, rather than some deep desire or dark fear.

This isn't to say dreams are entirely random, after all, I was dreaming about Jessica having a baby, that part was real in the real world. When I was pregnant I had many dreams about having a baby, like my dream about working the baby conveyer belt and it was my job to put a bandaid over the bellybutton and wrap them up and put them in cradles. I got behind and the babies started falling off the belt and onto the floor. Obviously a baby conveyer belt is not a good idea, but perhaps this stemmed from my fear of being a mom and trying to keep up. *shrug* I'm no dream therapist.

Most of my dreams seem to take place in the past. Like when I was in high school. They usually include people I knew in high school and places I went in high school. Just recently my dreams have started to include things like me being married or even finally dreams with Jaden in them (there have only been 3 I can remember). I am comforted by the fact that my dreams have finally caught up to my real life. I wonder if I wasn't holding onto the past too much and being a mom has finally given me the kick I needed to let go. Curious isn't it.

Course then there are the dreams that are in third person. Like I'm not there at all really. Like I'm reading about it or watching a movie. Am I the only one this happens to? They are full of people I've never met and places I've never been and I was just watching. Wierd.

Do babies dream? I tend to think they do, but what do they dream about? What they know is so limited. Or is it? Can they still see where they came from before they came here when they are asleep? What about when they cry in their sleep without really waking up? Are they having nightmares? What do they have to be afraid of? Just my mind wandering as I watch my little one sleep.

Ya know what? I have had a dream I do understand completely. It was when I was 8 months pregnant and I had a dream that Ryan and I were at a party in this gigantic house. It had like 12 living rooms, 20 kitches, a million secret passage ways and hidey holes, but I could not find a single bathroom anywhere in the whole house! Well it didn't take long to figure out that I needed to wake up and go to bathroom. Just funny how the brain works at night don't ya think?

Don't like to Move it Move it!

Now that I'm nursing less, I'm gaining more. Drat I was hoping my matabolism would kick back in, but apparently not. So back to working out for me. I have been altering cardio workouts with working muscle areas, which for me also ends up being a cardio workout. Yesterday I worked my thighs, lower back, and tushy. Ow. Ow. and ow. What has happened to me? In college there were days that I danced for 9 hours, but a 20 min. workout kicks my butt now? I am so sad.

I'm not just sad for me and my sore road back to an almost fit body, but I'm sad for people as a whole. We spend all our time on computers and watching tvs that we have to do it some more to fix our bodies back up. (I use instructional videos for my excercising). We have replaced hard work with excercise eqipment that serves no other purpose but to torture our bodies back in shape. We never used to have exercise equipment, and yet in the ye old days no one was fat. Everybody worked....HARD. Their bodies were fit and lean and they died of smallpox rather than heart attacks. I'm not really sure that's better, but my point is we run like the dickens telling people we have no time for anything, and yet we still sit and watch our favorite tv shows, at least I do!

Funny how things change, but aside from becoming amish, we have no choice but to roll with what we've got and what we've got is a lot of technology to make us fat then make us thin again. Perhaps it's a conspiracy.

Either way I will continue to workout this way until my body either gets used to it or my legs fall off, whichever comes first, though today I must admit it feels like the latter. Ryan assures me it will only take a couple more weeks and I'll be ready for something more difficult. Ha easy for him to say! He works out the old fashioned way...at work! He not only spends all day perfecting his fabulous arm, leg, and tummy muscles(as well as a wierd one in his elbow he gets from twisting and gripping tools all day), He gets paid for it! People spend tons of money on gyms! Morons! Get yourself a physical job and you get paid to work out! Perhaps it's more conspiracy I couldn't say for sure. All I know is it's not right that he gets more and more fit while I get more and more unfit. After all, I was fit until I got married! I blame him......because I can. At least my fingers stay in excellent condition from all this typing!

Little Things of Love

Everyone knows that once you get married your romancing changes. We are no exception. Ryan spoiled me like a princess when we were dating, but now I'm lucky to get Wal-Mart flowers on a special occasion. This doesn't mean that he doesn't show his love for me. On the contrary, every single day all the little things he does tells me how much he loves me.

Fancey dinners, spontanious outings somewhere special, big beautiful flowers for no reason, these things are gone. It's okay, the sentiment is different when it's both of your money he's spending to give these elaborite gifts or outings. Ryan his so exhausted when he comes home from work that he rarely even has time to think about what I would call romance.

So how do I get that warm fuzzy loving feeling from him every day?

• He leaves me some milk. That sounds silly, but when the milk is almost gone and only enough for one he will leave me enough for breakfast.



• He emptys the dishwasher. I try to make sure to get the dishes done every day. He just took over the responsability of emptying it right after dinner and loading the dinner dishes.



• He makes dinner. I am often feeding the baby right before dinner. Instead of waiting for me to finish he gets right in there and makes dinner, I join him when I'm finished with Jaden.



• He changes diapers. I love it when he changes the baby's diaper without being asked. He hates doing so it means a lot.



• He plays with the baby. On Jaden's whiney days I am so done entertaining him by the time Ryan gets home. Even though he is very tired and just wants to veg for a bit he'll take Jaden for a bit so I can have a much needed break.



• He gets water for me. Even though I am fully capable of getting my own beverage I love it when Ryan does it for me as he often does. He knows when I feed Jaden I get thirsty and will bring me water without asking, and at night he gets me a glass of water for my bedside table.



• He thinks I'm beautiful. It's not just that he tells me I am beautiful, though he does. It's that he really means it. I can see it when he looks at me. This means so much since at 24 I have already lost my prime body I enjoyed in high school and college and have given into the fact that I will never truly have it back. Ryan doesn't care. He thought I was beautiful then, he thought I was beautiful when I was pregnant and he thinks I'm beautiful now, stretch marks and all.

There are so many more little things he does all the time to show he loves me, but I think you have the idea. Grand gestures are fine for courting, but we are now one and as one what we need is more important than what we want. What we need is eachother. Just his existing in my world is love and comfort to me.

I'd like to say I'm as good as he is at showing love in the little selfless things, but to be honest I am more selfish than he is. I'm reminded of an episode of Malcom in the Middle where the parents are just winding down a fight and Lois says "but that means you love me more than I love you." He smiles sweetly. "Of course I do. I always have." I think it's the sweetest thing, maybe because that's how it is with us. Maybe Ryan does love me more than I love him, but I love him and my son more than anything else on Earth and he knows that. I will always be in his shadow of selflessness as I can never equal up, but it's okay because I try and he knows that. He loves me for who I am, selfish, lazy and all. I love him more every day. He's more romantic than he'll ever know.

A Whole New World

Jaden has officially learned how to crawl. As chase him around the house, closing all the doors and blocking off things he shouldn't get into I can't help but feel exhausted at the effort. I hate stifling his curiosity, but I want him to be safe also. He cries whenever I move him away from the computer cords or out of the kitchen or close a closet door. I feel so mean. And yet, he still is always happy to see me.

He'll be down the hall investigating the closed doors and I'll come to check on him and he grins and laughs that I appeared out of nowhere. Or I'll have put him in his crib, sternly telling him he is in timeout because he is crying over nothing. He settles down in his crib and is ever so pleased to see me when I come and get him.

This young age is so sweet in the fact that their love is even more unconditional than ours as parents. Of course I will love him no matter what, but he never even seems to be angry with me, only frustrated with the situation.

It's gotta be tough to know there are so many things to touch and investigate but not being able to. I thought he would be happier once he could crawl to get the toys he wants, but he seems to have lost interest in his toys and chooses to investigate the rest of the house instead which only brings up more things he can't do, can't have, can't touch, can't even see though he's smart enough to know it's still there. I feel for the poor guy, but he doesn't know that things can hurt him, he's only bonked his head a couple times and probably thinks that's the worst of it, but I know it's not. I see danger everywhere. It's an unusual viewpoint I had not experienced before.
I can tell this is only going to get worse as he gets faster then starts walking so I might as well get used to it.

It is pretty exciting to see him cross the room all on his own. He is so excited with his new mobility. He is such a happy and healthy boy. I feel blessed every day just to have him, and now he is noticing a whole new world to enjoy as well.